There's No Title that Could Describe This..

I WOULD GET so depressed that I couldn't think. I couldn't focus. And I was starting to hate screens. I had an increasing desire for books and human interaction. When I tried smoking weed that would just make things worse. The only thing that seemed like it could comfort me was the presence of a large man I could hug. Even music was something I was struggling to create or even listen to. That one is more logical; I was always more of a performance artist. I can't stand just sitting at a freaking computer trying to make beats. 

Does anyone know that I had feelings for a man twice my age and how deeply it affected me? How I thought I loved him and how I saw a father figure in him and how confusing he was? How much passion we shared? 

The last times I've been happy are, not coincidentally, when I'm out of this house and doing my own thing. Sometimes it's with people, sometimes it's just me. In fact usually it's out of this town entirely. The person next to me is an angry, disgusting drunk and I hear everything through the walls. It's disturbing how much you can hear through these walls; like they're made of nothing. That's why money doesn't really phase me anymore. At this point in life, I want someone I can share myself with. Why on earth would I want money and a nice car and a nice job and my own place to live when I have literally no one to connect with or have a desire to connect with? 

I'm gonna move to Jacksonville. It's gonna take time. When I'm out doing my own thing, away from this place, I can see myself smiling again. Hopefully someone meaningful has joined me. Hopefully, that someone meaningful won't confuse me this time.