I FEEL TORN about being gay. It feels like a monster that I try to just keep in the closet. But it’s not just that. Not only am I attracted to other guys, but I’m also attracted to men much older than me. This can be very disturbing, and my psyche has been in such torment over this that it has brought me to extremes. Sharing your body is a powerful thing, something that I’ve learned only recently. There’s even a preference for men of color (blacks and Latinos) that has confirmed itself over the years. This is not going away. If I could, I would wish it all away. But burying it only brings it back to the surface, like a sick game of Whac-A-Mole. It could be a musician, a businessman, or even a DJ (admittedly, I get a real hard-on for some of those disc jockeys out there). And it gets even more uncomfortable when the men I have [deep] affections for are people close to me. I’m talking about friends, acquaintances, and coworkers. There are really no limits. In reality, there’s nothing [particularly] wrong with these men. My fellow ebony men have beautiful qualities. And the Latino complexion is so exquisite that it makes me wonder who could conceive it. The thing is, gay men can be extremely sensual. This is partly, by nature. Men are naturally more physical, and you don’t see this more than in the gay community, especially the bear community (a type of gay man which emphasizes male physicality). But then there’s reality. In a day and age where everyone creates their own rules, reality has become increasingly blurred. And to certain gay men, this is taken to extremes. Age is no longer a factor: you can be half a man’s age and still consider marriage. You can have multiple partners. And while you see this type of behavior in even heterosexual people, that’s not the point. The point is, I’m a 27-year-old who's laid with men twice my age who I thought were worth being passionate with. To be fair, only one of them actually stole my heart. In fact in hindsight, the first two men I laid with were not really that attractive to me and there was no true intimacy. But there have been some men that I’ve come across and there’s been a legitimate connection, and not just physically either. We’ll have things in common. Sometimes we’re going through similar situations or we’ve been through the same struggles. It varies from person to person. However, when you’ve had sex with someone twice your age and of the same sex, it changes you. It changed me at least. And the torment comes because then you think something’s wrong with you. It changes how you look at yourself, how you look at others. There would be these very dangerous scenarios where I would put myself in these vulnerable positions and then come out the other side with even less of myself: more confused, more desperate, more hurt. But the struggle doesn’t just come from trying to bury this thing, but rather, accepting it. You see, it’s one thing accepting the fact you’re attracted to guys when they’re the same age as you, but it’s much harder to accept that [same] truth when that man is old enough to be your father or your uncle. This is my life. Even if the desires fade over time, I crave the peace that comes from having normal desires.
